The Rise and Fall of My Faith, Part 7: How I Got from St F to Where I am Today

After I left St F, I drifted for a while. I would go to this parish or that parish, but my indoctrination about “liturgical abuses” and the dangers of going to “heterodox” parishes, filled me with anxiety as I tried to de-transition to “normal churches.” I finally just tried to break free with the whole Catholic thing by going to a Mennonite church for awhile. I don’t have anything negative to say about my time with the Mennonites, because they were honestly the nicest people I had (or have) ever met. The problem was me, because I was still obsessed with theology, liturgy, and all of the other things that led to a nasty case of religious OCD. Like most forms of OCD, I just couldn’t win; when I was at a church that seemed to fulfill all the aspects of my “spiritual checklist” like St. F, I felt inadequate and sinful for not doing this, that, or the other, or because I could never get behind the “women shouldn’t wear pants” thing or the MLK hate, but when I went to a more spiritually “normal” church, I felt like I was still failing at something or possibly everything.

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